Day 2 – Madame Tussauds, Big Ben, Tower Bridge, Tower of London, Boat Ride, Westminster Abby, Natural History Museum

One of the stipulations Mick had for me being allowed to come on this trip was that I had to buy “adult clothes” that did not have holes, weren’t baggy, and did not have big branding, so that I would “blend in” with Europeans. Caroline took me shopping and we found a bunch of tapered/slim pants. These pants felt ok in the store but when I put them on here and was walking around, they are uncomfortable as f*ck. My underwear is constantly riding up my ass. Just FYI, nothing we saw today got more than 4 stars because of my pants situation. My rating is based on how much fun we have, and the pants lowered my fun level across the board.

Our first stop was Madame Tussauds. This place is freaking cool. Cash & Evie gave it 5 out of 5 stars. I gave it a 4/5 because of my stupid pants.

This attraction was way bigger than I thought. If you go, skip the serial killer part because they intentionally make that area smell like shit.

Next up, we walked past the Tower of London because the line was too long and we don’t like lines. Evie was like, “Why is the line so long? What happened in there?” I said “They killed and tortured a bunch of people.” She said, “Cool, I get it, let’s move on.” 2/5 stars but it wasn’t really the Tower of London’s fault.

Then we walked to Tower Bridge but we did not go up. Line was too long. They both thought it was pretty cool. 3/5 stars. I think it is cool but I don’t really understand why you would take an elevator up and walk across the top when you could just walk across the bottom. It’s way more of a direct route to walk across the bottom than to take an elevator up, walk across, and take an elevator down. Maybe there is a reason but I don’t care to look it up.

After this we hopped on a boat and headed to Westminster. The kids thought the boat ride was amazing, I think because they got to see a bunch of stuff while sitting. They both gave it 5/5 stars, so it gets 4/5 stars because of my goddamn European pants.

We got off the boat right by Big Ben (the clock, not the Pittsburgh Steelers pervert QB.) The clock is not really called Big Ben, btw, it is called Elizabeth Tower. Big Ben is the bell inside the tower. Take that useless trivia and do with it what you will. I asked Cash and Evie what they thought. Evie said “It’s cool I guess.” Cash said, “Yeah, it’s a pretty big clock.” 3/5 stars.

Westminster Abby had some insane architecture. I have no stupid jokes about this one. 4/5 stars and you know why.

We stopped for tapas and then Evie and Mick went back to the hotel. Cash and I went to The Natural History Museum. This place was free and really fun. They had a pretty awesome dinosaur fossil collection and a rare mineral vault that was cool too. We are nerds and we love stuff like that. It didn’t seem like anyone was wearing deodorant, though. Still, it gets 4/5 stars because of my pants.

Final thing, and if you are still reading this, I am shocked. Last night at the hotel bar I met a Jordanian investment banker who lived in the UAE and was here on business. We had a pleasant conversation and he told me that if I am free tonight, him and his business partner wanted to take me out to have the best martini in London.

I told Mick about it today and she said, “Absolutely not. That guy is going to take you out, spike your drink, and when you are passed out he is going to strip you down and take nude pictures of you and blackmail you. Not a chance you’re going.” And Cash added, “Yeah, either that or he’s going to sex traffic you.” I highly doubt I would make anyone money in the sex trafficking world, but regardless, he said he was going to text me to meet him tonight and I am going to tell him that my mom said no.