This is obviously a blog.

We woke up and got on the Chunnel.

This train was pretty, pretty good. Evie fell asleep immediately. Mick told me to hold off going to the bathroom when we were under the channel and wait until we got into France. I agreed but I am not sure why. It just seemed like good advice. Kids gave it 5/5 stars. I give it 4 because the views from the train were just ok under the Channel.

When we got to Paris, I took a nap and Mick and the kids went out to get Gelatto. Then they walked to the Place de la Concorde, which was a couple of miles from the hotel. I got in an Uber to meet them there. Driving around London in an Uber or Taxi was crazy, but Paris is another thing altogether.

My Uber driver in Paris drove really fast, and at one point there was a French lady on a bicycle that was stopped and blocking our lane. Instead of honking, he just fucking hit her with his car. It was between a mild and a medium vehicular assault. She turned around and started yelling French swear words at him, but he didn’t respond, and just hit her with the car again. She grabbed her bike and carried it to the side walk and he kept driving. I’ve never seen anything quite like that.

This was where he dropped me off. If you squint you can see the Eiffel Tower. We had an uneventful dinner and then swung by the Louvre but there were no tickets available.

So yeah, we didn’t see the Mona Lisa, but we don’t like lines or tickets, so whatever. We took a cab back to The Marriott Opera Ambassador, and the kids went upstairs while Mick and I went to the hotel bar.

We were on our second drink when Mick got quiet for a minute and then said, “This hotel design is offensively horrible.” I said “Why? Supposedly they designed it using Opera National de Paris as inspiration.” She said, “Total bullshit. You don’t mix bentwood cane chairs with mid century modern couches. Disgusting. Did they buy this shit furniture from a French thrift shop? Some designer probably thought that Americans would not know the difference and not give a shit. It’s absolutely terrible.” I didn’t take any pictures of the furniture because I didn’t know what she was talking about.

Day 3 started out pretty dramatic. We walked over to Buckingham Palace wanting to see the changing of the guard. Instead, we walked into a Trooping the Colour rehearsal, which is practice for the Birthday of the British Sovereign that takes place in June.

We watched the horses walk around for a while, and then I asked Cash and Evie what they would rate it. They both said it was kinda cool and rated it 3/5.

THEN, one of the Coldstream Guards fell violently off his horse. Cash was like, “Ok, this just got way better. 4/5 stars.”

His horse ran away and this guy tracked it down.

After 10 minutes, he still wasn’t moving and a horse wagon pulled up and put a tarp around him and then a bunch more dudes ran over. At that point, Cash lowered his rating. “I hope he is not dead. Two stars now.” I looked in the British tabloids later on and they said he had heat stroke and “fell to the ground whilst on parade in the sweltering conditions.” It was 61 degrees but whatever, we hope he is ok.

After the Palace incident, we headed to the British Museum. This was amazing. It is basically a really beautiful, giant storage unit where the Brits put everything after they plundered the whole world.

We entered the museum and Cash said, “Dude, I almost accidentally walked into the Rosetta Stone display. Holy crap.” Cash and Evie enjoyed the museum’s really impressive collection of artifacts from the Roman Empire, Ancient Greece, and Egypt. Cash lost 40% of his phone battery taking pictures in the museum. 5/5 all around.

Our next stop was Abbey Road. This was a nice change from where we have visited because it was way less crowded.

Here is an obligatory shitty re-creation of the Beatle’s Abbey Road cover. The locals were going nuts because everyone who was there (aside from us I swear) was completely ignoring traffic and doing the same stupid photo I did here.

Our taxi driver told us to hit up The Clifton for lunch, which is a 10 minute walk from Abbey Road. I did a lot of research on this pub (about 5 minutes worth) and it has an interesting backstory. This pub opened in 1846. Back in that time, the royal family was not allowed to go into pubs. King Edward VII, who was known for being interested in foreign policy, military matters, and whores, had them change their name to the Clifton Hotel so that he could go there to get hammered and meet women of the night. This royal whoremonger also had an affair with a famous actress named Lillie Langtry and they would engage in vigorous coitous at The Clifton. The curry sauce was pretty good and the burger was a little on the rare side. 4/5 stars.

One of the stipulations Mick had for me being allowed to come on this trip was that I had to buy “adult clothes” that did not have holes, weren’t baggy, and did not have big branding, so that I would “blend in” with Europeans. Caroline took me shopping and we found a bunch of tapered/slim pants. These pants felt ok in the store but when I put them on here and was walking around, they are uncomfortable as f*ck. My underwear is constantly riding up my ass. Just FYI, nothing we saw today got more than 4 stars because of my pants situation. My rating is based on how much fun we have, and the pants lowered my fun level across the board.

Our first stop was Madame Tussauds. This place is freaking cool. Cash & Evie gave it 5 out of 5 stars. I gave it a 4/5 because of my stupid pants.

This attraction was way bigger than I thought. If you go, skip the serial killer part because they intentionally make that area smell like shit.

Next up, we walked past the Tower of London because the line was too long and we don’t like lines. Evie was like, “Why is the line so long? What happened in there?” I said “They killed and tortured a bunch of people.” She said, “Cool, I get it, let’s move on.” 2/5 stars but it wasn’t really the Tower of London’s fault.

Then we walked to Tower Bridge but we did not go up. Line was too long. They both thought it was pretty cool. 3/5 stars. I think it is cool but I don’t really understand why you would take an elevator up and walk across the top when you could just walk across the bottom. It’s way more of a direct route to walk across the bottom than to take an elevator up, walk across, and take an elevator down. Maybe there is a reason but I don’t care to look it up.

After this we hopped on a boat and headed to Westminster. The kids thought the boat ride was amazing, I think because they got to see a bunch of stuff while sitting. They both gave it 5/5 stars, so it gets 4/5 stars because of my goddamn European pants.

We got off the boat right by Big Ben (the clock, not the Pittsburgh Steelers pervert QB.) The clock is not really called Big Ben, btw, it is called Elizabeth Tower. Big Ben is the bell inside the tower. Take that useless trivia and do with it what you will. I asked Cash and Evie what they thought. Evie said “It’s cool I guess.” Cash said, “Yeah, it’s a pretty big clock.” 3/5 stars.

Westminster Abby had some insane architecture. I have no stupid jokes about this one. 4/5 stars and you know why.

We stopped for tapas and then Evie and Mick went back to the hotel. Cash and I went to The Natural History Museum. This place was free and really fun. They had a pretty awesome dinosaur fossil collection and a rare mineral vault that was cool too. We are nerds and we love stuff like that. It didn’t seem like anyone was wearing deodorant, though. Still, it gets 4/5 stars because of my pants.

Final thing, and if you are still reading this, I am shocked. Last night at the hotel bar I met a Jordanian investment banker who lived in the UAE and was here on business. We had a pleasant conversation and he told me that if I am free tonight, him and his business partner wanted to take me out to have the best martini in London.

I told Mick about it today and she said, “Absolutely not. That guy is going to take you out, spike your drink, and when you are passed out he is going to strip you down and take nude pictures of you and blackmail you. Not a chance you’re going.” And Cash added, “Yeah, either that or he’s going to sex traffic you.” I highly doubt I would make anyone money in the sex trafficking world, but regardless, he said he was going to text me to meet him tonight and I am going to tell him that my mom said no.

This was when we arrived at DIA. I suddenly realized that Cash was dressed for the trip like he was going to blow up Nakatomi Plaza. He also kept saying that if customs asks him if he has anything to declare, he was going to say, “Yes, I do have something to declare. Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself.” We were literally minutes into this trip and I was already annoyed.

We got on the plane and I became much less annoyed. Our seats on British Airways were quite nice. We had a three hour delay on the runway because of a mechanical issue and weather, but we did not care one bit.

Both kids ate and then fell asleep for seven hours. I have never slept on a plane before, but this was the first time I had lay down seats on an international flight. I was determined. I took a ZZZQuil Ultra and a melatonin just in case. As always, I did not sleep and instead just hallucinated for seven hours.

We got to the Hilton Park Lane at about 2:30pm. I immediately crashed. Mick, Cash, and Evie all went shopping. I met them down in the executive lounge for a light dinner at 6pm.

Today was Evie’s Birthday, so naturally, Mick had the staff serenade her. As you can tell, Evie was clearly thrilled about this.

John Polk here.

On May 26th, I’m boarding a plane to Europe with my son Cash, my niece Evie, and my mom Mick. This trip is my mom’s 8th grade graduation gift to Cash and Evie. We are a year late because the whole family went to Hawaii last summer. I am still not entirely sure why Mick wanted me to tag along. Most of the time I have no idea where I am or what is going on around me. Completely aloof. Both Mick and I have been to Europe several times, but this is Cash and Evie’s first time.

The itinerary is as follows: First, we are flying into London and spending a few days there. The last time I was in London was for only one night because I had a layover there on my way to Ireland. I had the whole day to explore, but I was feeling pretty lazy, so I just turned on Harry Potter and drank vodka in my hotel room. Hoping to see more of the city this time around.

Next we’re hopping on the Chunnel to Paris. Never been on the Chunnel before, and I don’t know how I feel about it. Nothing says “relaxing vacation” like entering a pressurized metal tube and going 100mph under the ocean on a train.

After a few days in Paris, we’re off to Nice via high-speed rail. From there we rent a car (yes, I’m driving, and no, I probably should not) and head through Monaco, making overnight stops in Rapallo, Viareggio, and ultimately dropping the car off in Florence (which I am already looking forward to.) Then we take a train to Rome. We spend a few nights in Rome, hopefully still speaking to one another and not permanently banned from any countries. Pray for us. Then we head back to the states.

I made a blog for this trip because Facebook was the only other option I could think of, and Facebook blows. I know that this not the first travel blog that has ever been made, but it will probably be the most unremarkable. So do not buckle up for this. I have also been weighing the idea of rating the attractions we see from 1-5 stars based on how much fun I have at each of them. I am not Rick Steves and I am not an expert in anything, so don’t take offense. If you are interested in what a semi-socially awkward, often annoyed, 45-year-old white guy thinks about famous monuments and attractions across Europe, you have come to the right place.